...that freak me out!

I just finished watching a movie, The Runaways. Not a great accomplishment, I've watched many movies in the past few days because I've had nothing else to do while I get better. Not that great a movie either, pretty crap actually. But that's not what my story tonight is about.

So I finish watching the movie, I get up off the bed, turn the light on and organise which medication I need to take. I put the pills in my mouth, pick up the water bottle off the floor and wash them all down. Then I go out to the bathroom and brush my teeth. When I get back to the bedroom I am just about to turn the air conditioner off when something catches my attention, something moves just outside of my line of sight. I turn and look at the wall above the bed ...

MOTHER FUCKER!!

There is a MASSIVE spider on the wall! And I'm not talking just your regular big ol' house spider, I'm talking fucking eat your hand off it's that damn big spider!

And then I start to think ... How long has that thing been sitting there? Has it been there the whole time I was watching the movie in the dark? OH MY GOD! Has it been there all day? Did it at any point come close enough to maybe touch me? Did it crawl on water bottle I just drank from?!

So as I'm standing on the opposite side of the room to this monster, thinking about how long it's been there, it moves. The. Fucking. Thing. Moves!

Now I don't know about you, but I like to think if I can see the spider and it can see me then everything is ok. I mean, I'm not gonna just let it go about it's business, I'm gonna kill it. But as long as it's within eyesight and I know where it is, we're cool, like: "Hey Mr Spider. Whatcha up to? Just chillin' there on my wall? On no, that's cool, you just - BAM! SHOE TO THE HEAD!"

Also, if there are no weapons available to me at the time, I have this weird notion that if I maintain that I am not there in anyway to harm it, it might be fooled and leave me alone. I do something I like to call the sliding retreat. And this applies to all creep crawlies. Keep the target in line of sight at all times and slowly back away, showing no hostility and then go and hide until someone else comes to kill it or you find a suitable weapon to return with. But of course, then you run the risk of losing sight of the target. Which is of course what happened tonight.

The mother fucker moves! It runs down behind the bed head and out of sight. So I'm left to stand there, panicking about where it is going to come at me from. Will it run out at me from under the bed and drag me back under to feed to it's monster babies? Will it be all ninja and sneak up behind me to take me out? Or will it climb back up another part of the wall that I'm not watching and drop down on my head from above and lay eggs in my brain?

Just when I'm considering making a run for the door, the sneaky little bastard pokes a couple of legs out from behind the mattress that is leaning against the wall near the door. OH MY GOD IT CAN READ MY MIND! 

Without even thinking about it I pick up the closest thing I can find, a book of children's nursery rhymes, and hurl it at the blighter. GOT IT!!

As I do my little celebration dance across the room towards the book on the floor, I notice something. Where the book landed would not have covered the whole spider, there should be legs poking out. Where's the legs?! There's no legs!

Summoning all my courage I carefully pick up the book and flip it over. And by carefully I mean I stick one toe under the corner and kick it towards the other side of the room, hoping it will land upside down and I'll see a smooshed spider. There's no spider, dead or alive.

Now I'm not entirely sure if I really did see it or not. Maybe my pain meds are kicking in and I just imagined it. Endone is an odd thing. So I decide to gently move the mattress (kick it as hard as I can) and see if anything happens. OK, NOT MY IMAGINATION! Mother fucker runs up the wall onto the roof! It's not even injured! What the hell is this thing, Spiderman's long lost cousin!?

Fuck this shit ... DAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!!

Ah the beauty of staying with the parentals =)